Still a Utah Hostage

Jan
2012

42

There used to be a time when I couldn’t remember how old I was.

When people would ask me my age, I would have to think about it. Really think about it. And calculate it. Every. Single. Time. My age was just no big deal.

Then it all changed.

I think it started around Josh’s high school graduation. I had always thought about my age a little on his birthdays, but that milestone of his growing up really started to make me acutely aware of just how old I am.

And now I never forget.

Part of me holds on to the number for shock value. I don’t look my age, and I’m so very grateful that I don’t. When I tell others how old I am, I usually get a response along the lines of, “NUH-UH!” It absolutely cracks me up.

Another part of me I think holds on to the number as a reminder of how much time I’ve let slip away. There are still things I want to do with my life, and my age is a kind of a motivator, I guess. At least, I hope it is. At the end of my life, I want there to be very few “what if?”s.

So, at 4:33pm today I turn 42.

Yeah. Like I could forget.

Category: age is a state of mind, birthdays should be banned Leave a Comment

Dec
2011

Kidless Christmas

By uthostage

I received an email from The Ex last night.

He doesn’t fly out until Tuesday 12/27, and is asking to keep Ash through Monday night. Originally, I expected her to be home on Christmas night.

Of course I will tell him yes. And not because he is walking all over me, or anything like that. Ash sees so little of her father right now due to his traveling for work, that I make sure they have as much time together as possible. It’s important that they have that time. For both of them.

However, it makes me sad that I will not see Ash on Christmas at all now.

Category: divorce parenting, family, misc rantings, things that make me sad Comments off

Dec
2011

Sometimes it really is who you know.

By uthostage

And it’s a good thing.

On Monday, I received a text out of the blue from my old boss, telling me she might have an opening at her company and asking if I would be interested.

Um…DUH. I’ve been struggling at my current job for a while now. It was not what I expected it to be.

So I told her I am interested.

Our conversation continued and she let me know that the job would be helping her with payroll.

Oh…HELL YES.

I told her I would love to work with her again. And that’s when things really started to happen.

We went from there to setting up an interview, to the interview itself (which went really, really well), to an offer…

…IN FIVE DAYS.

I was on pins and needles all week. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. But I couldn’t say anything about it, at least not online. I’m fairly certain I have lurkers on my blogs, so I had to keep it under wraps until it was a done deal.

Which now it is!

I start my new job on January 3rd. AND… they’re going to pay me what I asked.

New year…new job…more money…

BRING IT ON!

Category: i wouldn't do this if i didn't need the $$$, the silver lining Comments off

Dec
2011

Goals

By uthostage

I was supposed to have come up with a work goal for the next year by today.

My meeting to go over said goal is in THREE HOURS.

To say I’m not ready is an understatement.

I can’t seem to come up with a single goal that can actually be measured.

I so suck at this.

Category: i wouldn't do this if i didn't need the $$$, misc rantings Comments off

Nov
2011

Breaking Point

By uthostage

I hit it last week.

More accurately, I had a meltdown last week.

The past two years have been difficult. Hell, the past FIVE years have been difficult. My marriage was already rapidly crumbling when the physical abuse started. And that’s when a trend began. A trend of me not really dealing with things/issues. A trend of pushing everything bad aside. Because I had to stay upright. I had to move forward. I had to.

I demanded a divorce, but said we should get our finances in order first. (push-push)

I was still being mentally/emotionally abused, but the ends would justify the means. (push-push)

I finally kicked him out and filed for divorce, but I had to stay strong for my daughter. (push-push)

I had to find a new job… I had to find a new place to live… I had to stay in school…

I had to, I had to, I. HAD. TO.

And then I think to prove to myself that I was really ok, I added dating to the mix. Which, in hindsight, might not have been the best idea.

A few months ago, though, it just became too much. I wondered how I got so overwhelmed so quickly. But I hadn’t. It had actually been building for years. I just never took the time to deal with it so that I could actually move on.

And when I started taking steps to get out from under all of it, and start dealing with it, the overwhelming feelings were replaced with guilt. A lot of guilt.

I felt like I had failed. Miserably.

So, one day last week, it all came to a head. And left me feeling like I had been repeatedly kicked while I was down.

I proceeded to shut myself off. From everyone. Including my own child.

I locked myself in my apartment. I refused to let anyone in. At all. I sent my daughter to be with her father. I responded to *very* few calls, messages, or visitors. What few responses I gave were nothing more than to get people to leave me alone.

I was inconsolable.

And I retreated. In the worst way.

The more I cut myself off, though, the worse I felt. But I couldn’t stop it. At the time, I honestly felt the people in my life would be better off without me. My fear had taken hold big time, and wasn’t letting go. Fear of really letting people in. Fear of letting them see how far I felt I had fallen. Fear of what they might do with that information.

I am the first one to say “I am always here for you. Lean on me.” And I sincerely mean it. But I don’t practice what I preach. I have an inherent fear of really leaning on others – letting them see me at my worst. Because I’ve been burned in the past. Many times. And even though I know I have much better people in my life now, it’s truly a hard habit to break.

I finally took a baby step towards breaking that habit, though. I let someone in. Even though I initially didn’t want to talk about it, I knew I needed to. And, eventually, I did. In doing so, I recognized that there are people in my life to whom I can show my worst, and they will still stand by me. And love me.

**********

I initially started my blog/twitter/tumblr with just trying to be funny. It wasn’t long, though, before personal things crept into my posts/tweets under the guise of humor. It was ok, though. It was safe. Most of you didn’t know me, so baring my soul didn’t afford much danger of repercussions.

Then we really started to get to know each other. Dammit.

At first, not much changed. But as time went on, I started to notice a little less soul-baring on my part. I wrote fewer and fewer blog posts, and those I wrote tended to be very short. I stopped tweeting. I stayed on tumblr, but it was really hit and miss. And more often than not, it was miss.

I started skimming your posts. Or stopped reading altogether. Comments became infrequent, because often I would start writing something and then just delete it, for one reason or another. And then I just stopped commenting. What did I have to say that you would want to hear when I was so broken? If it wasn’t for hearts and stars, I might have just plain disappeared online.

I felt like it wasn’t safe anymore here. I couldn’t let you see me. Especially when I couldn’t even see myself.

I want to change that, though. There is a reason we met. There is a reason that we were brought together. And I have no intention of letting you go. Any of you.

I still catch myself deleting comments, and I need to stop that. I might need some help with it, though. So, which one of you is willing to be my ruler-wielding nun? Oh. That many? Crap. My hands are really gonna hurt before this is done.

**********

I scared a lot of people last week. Really scared them.

I am so sorry.

I don’t want to go there again.

I need to let myself stumble.

I need to let myself fall.

I need to remember that if I do, you will be there for me; you will help me get back up.

And I need to recognize that I haven’t failed.

Category: friends can save you...or commit you, just when you think you know me, the internet has brainwashed me, the method to my madness 4 Comments

Nov
2011

Love

By uthostage

I’m letting you in

With fear of what that will mean

I won’t run this time

Category: dating diary, relationships, the method to my madness Comments off

Oct
2011

It’s the time of the season…

By uthostage

For… ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW!

“It’s astounding
Time is fleeting
Madness takes its toll

But listen closely
Not for very much longer
I’ve got to keep control…”

Do YOU remember doing the Time Warp? (KICK KICK)

I do!

I popped my RHPS cherry in Vegas eight years ago. A midnight show on Halloween of course. And it was a blast! I didn’t know all the words to the songs. I didn’t know all the interactions with the movie. But I sang and said what I knew and I danced the Time Warp. Like a boss.

If you have ever been to a RHPS viewing, you know all about the live pre-show. While the pre-show varies by location and group, there usually is an activity to initiate all the ‘virgins’. I didn’t speak up at the Vegas show. I may be a lot more outgoing than when I was younger, but I didn’t want to put myself out there for that. And luckily, my more experienced sister Tanya never ratted me out. I don’t know if I ever thanked her for that.

Some time later, I did some RHPS research to see if the show was played in Salt Lake City. And sure enough, it was. On Halloween. So for the next two years, The Ex and I went. And I paid the favor forward. I never ratted out The Ex as a ‘virgin’. Although I’m not really sure I did him any favors.

It’s been years since I’ve been to RHPS. I tried to go last year, but the show sold out before I could get a ticket. Right then, I promised myself that I wouldn’t miss the show this year.

So this year I’m going. And I’m not going alone. And, if I have my way, I will be dressing up.

As Magenta.

Wanna come with?

Category: entertainment, just when you think you know me, movies, Rocky Horror Picture Show 2 Comments

Oct
2011

Little Cottonwood Canyon

By uthostage

That’s where I was this afternoon, taking photos of the fall colors.

The mountains are currently dotted with shades of yellow, orange and red amongst the green. The colors will continue to spread over the next few weeks before we see the first snowfall.

It’s extremely popular each fall to go up the canyons (any of them) and take photos. From the amateur wanting to get family shots amidst the changing leaves, to the professional looking to capture the perfect landscape shot, to any level in between.

Which is where I am.

I took my little bit of class instruction, my pretty good eye, my love of shooting manual, and my awesome camera out for a test drive. And had some fun. And got some decent shots. I think.

I also learned a couple of things while I was out there today. 1) I need a polarizing filter. BAD. I seriously should have just got one when I bought the camera. And 2) once you get above Snowbird, the canyon just isn’t as pretty. Heading up to and into Alta, it becomes more bare, there are fewer trees, and fewer good photo opportunities. IMHO of course.

The following is the best photo I got today:

F16 1/400 800 ISO. It has not been edited.

I will be editing some of the photos, though, to see if I can cut the glare and darken the skies. While I played a little with editing, I came up with something kind of cool, so I thought I would post it here also:

Original photo – F16 1/160 400 ISO. The colors are definitely not true to life. But wouldn’t it be cool if they were?

Category: can you take it again? cuz i blinked, i'm crafty (at least in my mind), the world as I see it, Utah Comments off

Sep
2011

I just might surprise you.

By uthostage

A month ago, The Ex said he’d help me with my brakes to help me save some money. I was stunned. I never asked for his help. He just offered.

Of course I accepted.

A week or so later, he told me it was going to be a teaching thing. That we would be doing it together. Ok. It had been quite a while since I had done any real work on a car, but I could do that. No sweat.

Another week later, we finally worked out a day to do them.

That day was yesterday.

This couple of hour thing…. TOOK EIGHT HOURS. We had a few setbacks… The Ex didn’t have a socket to fit my lug nuts (and for some reason my lug wrench AND JACK were missing…ugh), we needed an impact driver to break the screws loose to remove the rotors, it took 2 and a half hours to get my rotors turned, and to top it all off, we screwed up the caliper bolts and had to find replacements.

Oy.

Now here’s where the surprise might come in…

I did 95% of the work. Myself.

I removed the wheels. I removed a caliper. I removed brake pads. I removed a bracket. I pulled off and carried the rotors. And I put them all back together.

I was slow. I made mistakes. I asked questions. I banged my head on the car. And the garage floor. I nearly smacked myself in the head with a ratchet. And by the end, I was exhausted.

But I never quit. I never said I couldn’t do it. I never told The Ex to take over. Even when my exhaustion was at its worst, and he tried to take over, I kept going.

And when it was all done, the grinding noise was gone.

I did it.

I DID IT.

It was unbelievably empowering.

And today I hurt like hell.

P.S. The Ex never said one nice thing to me about how I was doing.

P.P.S. He told me I should be grateful he didn’t make any smart ass remarks.

P.P.P.S. Fuck him.

P.P.P.P.S. The spark plugs are next.

Category: am i the only one who thinks this is funny?, just when you think you know me 5 Comments

Sep
2011