1. The 2nd interview yesterday went well. I think. Keep your fingers crossed for me. And toes. And maybe even your eyes. And hell, if you can cross your bewbs, do it. I need all the help I can get. And know that I’m not opposed to using bribes to get this job.

2. SLCC must have heard all my bitching about their web design degree req’s. Cuz the new catalog now includes a couple of art classes that focus more on the digital design aspect. Yep. I totally made that happen. And I didn’t even have to give a blow job.

3. I’m putting together a playlist of really good sex songs. You know, for when I actually have sex again. With someone else, that is. Recommendations are welcome. For songs. Oh…OK. I’ll consider partner recommendations too.

4. I think my blog needs an overhaul. And I don’t think my skills are quite there yet. So if you stop by, and it’s a bright purple background with neon green text, bear with me. I’m still learning. And the spots you see will eventually fade. I promise.

5. I bought new sheets, a new comforter, new pillows, new shams, and even a brand new mattress. And I STILL wake up stuffed up. Every. Damn. Morning. I give up.

6. I still have to think before I introduce myself, especially when I’m on the phone. You would think that the 20 years I went by my maiden name would override the 14 years I went by my married name. Oh, and GUESS WHAT? If you shorten my name, I’m sPad. Fucking awesome.

7. If I have it my way, I’ll be partying with all the hotties at BlogHer@Home in my new place. And I’ll be KIDLESS that weekend! I can’t wait! Now I just gotta find someone to bankroll my booze.

8. Dating. Fucking. Sucks. Or maybe it’s just that dating in Utah that sucks. No. I’m pretty sure dating bites the big one globally. I think I’m gonna need more alcohol to get through this. Or even just to get through the post I’m writing about my experiences thus far.

9. Coming up with 10 things is HARD. I think I may need more caffeine. In the form of Starbucks of course.

10. 2 packed boxes is NOTHING in the grand scheme of things. I still have a shitload of crap to pack. So, if you’re heading out my way, and have a death wish wanna help, I would be more than happy to help you out (we have lots of high places here) SOOO grateful to have you here. Oh, and I have beer. And wine. And liquor. Did I mention that I have no trouble resorting to bribes?

So the recruiter told me today that he wants to recommend me for a 2nd interview.

And I’m trying not to get my hopes up.

Yet.

*****

Lemme back up a bit.

After being laid off at the end of February, I didn’t rush to start looking for a job. I didn’t have to. I was receiving a decent severance paid bi-weekly, just like a regular paycheck. Plus the job market here sucked ASS. So what was the point of putting myself out there, only to be slapped in the face every time I turned around?

Exactly.

*****

So now it’s a few months later and the severance is running out.

And the lease on my townhouse is running out.

And I got a letter yesterday that the owner of the townhouse is listing it for sale and I’m supposed to give my 30-day notice.

And I can’t move to a new place until I have continuing income.

(Have I mentioned that I hate moving? Well, I fucking hate it.)

And I haven’t gotten any response on the resumes I have sent out so far.

And I’m FREAKING OUT.

But…

I got an email on Tuesday from a recruiter that found my resume on Monster for a possible data entry position. I called him yesterday and expressed my interest in the position. I had my 1st interview today, which I hope will get me a 2nd interview with the hiring manager next week.

The interview went well. I think.

They are looking to fill 2 positions. The recruiter hopes to call tomorrow to arrange 2nd interviews for the beginning of next week. He also said the goal is to make offers by the end of next week.

It would be really REALLY great if this job worked out. Y’all are rooting for me, right?

The cubicle walls are bare. All the cabinets and drawers are empty. Almost. The write board is completely white, except for the lone Café Rio magnet in the corner. The name tag I created is the only thing left to prove I was once there. But it won’t be there much longer.

I say goodbye to the head of Accounting, thanking her again for lunch today. The head of our corporate Finance Department wishes me luck in my future endeavors. He really doesn’t know me. But I accept his good wishes. What else can I do?

Heading down the stairs, I feel the tears wanting to come. But I hold them back. Not today. I will not let my emotions…well, you know.

I remember how earlier today my boss refused to talk about tomorrow being my last day. I will miss her. I know she will miss me. I think she feels badly that she is now staying on another month. A recent change. I don’t blame her. I feel so grateful to have met her and gotten to know her. It is sad that she will be there alone now. I will miss her.

I walk out the door and get in my car. I only have to do this one more time. Tomorrow.

My last day.

I know it will be hard. Very hard. I don’t want to say goodbye. I work with some great people. I am forever changed by having them in my life. I refuse to let them walk out of my life when I walk out the door for the last time. I think it will be slightly easier knowing I will meet some of them later for drinks.

And I WILL drink.

I back my car out and leave the parking lot.

One more time.

Tomorrow.

It’s almost over. Four more weeks is all that remains. And I couldn’t be happier about it. I think.

I’m talking about the end of my job, which I have mentioned before here, here, and here. The end date set for me and my boss is the end of February. The rest of my department that’s being let go? Their end date is tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

There’s no hiding from it anymore. Not like I was hiding from it anyway. But still. I know tomorrow will be slapping me in the face yelling, “WAKE UP DUMBASS! THIS WILL BE YOU IN A MONTH!”

*eyeroll*

I’m actually ready to be laid off. My to do list is gargantuan at this point and I’m sure as hell not getting anything done sitting on my ass at work surfing porn sites the Internet. I am able to get my homework done at work, though, but there is only so much homework to do. Most days, I’m sitting on my hands to avoid IM’ing people in the office to keep me entertained, bcuz they actually do have work to do!

But by saying I’m ready to be laid off, I don’t mean that I’m always ok with it. I am ok with having some time off to go to school while I’m still being paid. I am ok with being able to catch up on that massive to do list I have. And maybe clean & organize my house some. Maybe. But not having a job throws a wrench in my plans to move forward. That I’m not ok with. And I will miss people in my department. And I will miss people in the company. Some more than others.

Wanna hear something funny? I actually flip off the TV when commercials for my ‘new’ company come on. Usually accompanied with some colorful words like, “THANKS A LOT MOTHERFUCKERS!” But I’m not telling you who the company is, cuz I think it’s better to keep my occasional moments of planning to bomb the building pettiness bitterness to myself. (As I’ve mentioned before, though, I can be bribed with booze. Nuff said.)

It’s gonna get awfully quiet around here. Fast.

Yesterday, I was reading one of the blogs I follow and now I’ll be lucky if they don’t take away my internet access at work. (be warned that it’s potentially NSFW, which is why they’re going to ban me from the internet as work).

The post started out fairly tame. But then I read where it said that Target sells cock rings and I’m all, “The HELL???” So I read it again and I’m all, “WTF???” The author had to be making this up. HAD to be. So I clicked on the link…..and that was all it took. I immediately transformed into a teenage boy, doing my best imitation of Butthead:

Huh huh…huh…uhhhhh…huh huh…you said…huh huh…c-c-c-c-cock…huh huh…huh huh!

But in a much more dignified, womanly manner. Which means that I was drooling on my desk laughing so hard and trying desperately NOT to snort. Oh. My. Gawd. How a few simple words can reduce me to this.

The rest of the post was a blur, since my mind was totally focused on the fact that TARGET SELLS COCK RINGS. Nothing can worm it’s way into my one-track mind at that point. So don’t even try. After my teenage hormones had *somewhat* settled, I HAD to tell people, “Did you know that Target sells cock rings?” Which, of course, pretty much started the giggles all over again.

I don’t know if I will ever truly be able to express my gratitude to her for helping to perpetuate my status of the troublemaker at work. Huh huh…huh huh.

I’ve totally figured out the cure for my insomnia……….going to work.

It’s a payroll week and I’m busy, but all I can think of is closing my eyes and going to sleep.

Fuck people’s paychecks. They don’t need to get paid, right?

Oh all RIGHT! I’ll pay them, but then I’m putting my head down and going to sleep!

Ok, so I keep forgetting that I’m sending things to the printer. I get up to do something else and then realize I don’t have what I printed so I print it again.

OMG I’M KILLING TREES! I should be burned at the stake!

I need to be stopped cuz it’s not enough that I’m killing trees by wasting paper. Apparently I need to burn them down too for my self-mutilation/self-sacrifice.

I’m going to hell.

Good thing I don’t believe in hell.

And that the liquor store is just down the street.

Update: So that last line doesn’t really make sense to me, which means I imagine that it *absolutely* doesn’t make any sense to a lot of people. So, let me add that if I’m going to hell, I’ll be the geeky popular wanna be who brings booze to desperately try to fit in.

Look out Satan…..here I come and I’m bringin’ a keg to get the party started!

The start of the fall semester is looming in the not too distant future, so I figured it was time to take a look at where I am with everything that needs to be done to kick this pig. No, I’m not really going to kick a pig, unless you have treasured loathesome stuffed pig with the stuffing starting to come out that you want to loan me. If we do this, though, you should know it’s safe to say that you won’t get your pig back.

Wait a minute…..what the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah…college checklist. (Sigh) There are days I still can’t believe I am actually attempting this torture yet AGAIN. But things seem to be falling into place pretty well & quickly, so that must mean that this is the right time in my life to get this done. 3rd time’s a charm, right? Below is my initial checklist that just covers the basics at a high-level. I didn’t think it was necessary to get really detailed by adding things like: (Under Apply for financial aid) Pull at least 1/2 your hair out trying to find all the required financial documentation that you thought you were through with once you finally got off your ass & filed your god damned taxes. That just goes without saying, right?

I’m applying for financial aid while working on selecting my classes, cuz that’s just the kind of psychotic awesome multitasker I am. I’m even finding time/energy to keep my blog updated with my academic escapades. Damn, I’m good. Now if I could just figure out what my major should be? I couldn’t find professional alcohol consumer on the list. I’m at a loss.

I’m usually pretty quiet in staff meetings. I keep my comments to myself until after when the little groups break apart into their more intimate bitch sessions. Today was another story. I had serious difficulty in keeping my comments to myself today when it came to discussing the merger/layoffs. Granted they were whispered to my friend sitting next to me, but still…..

Co-worker: I wonder what kind of morale booster they will have.

Me: cattle prod.

Co-worker: I’m sure they could come up with a really nice morale booster.

Me: oh…scented cattle prod.

My friend started rolling & I was laughing so hard I drooled on the table. Everyone else in the meeting was wondering what was wrong with us, especially when she got up to get me a tissue to wipe the table. Cuz no one wants to put their hands in someone else’s spit, no matter how funny the joke was that caused it to be there. I think the department head was glad for the 5 weeks where I missed the staff meetings.

It’s official…..I’m losing my job. There I’ve said it. I knew it was coming, so I wasn’t surprised.

The merger closed June 11th pretty much right on schedule. From the day the merger was announced I knew Payroll would be absorbed. There were lots of rumors and speculation (what a bunch of gossipmongers!), but I tried to take them all with a grain of salt. I would not falter in my resolve that I was going to lose my job. It was easier that way…..no surprises. Well, no bad surprises anyway. If somehow I managed to survive this merger with my job intact, it would be a pleasant surprise. Much better, I think, than to hold out hope that I would be safe only to get the horrible shock that a significant part of my world was gonna come crashing down. That wasn’t a risk I was willing to take, especially since the husband has been laid off twice in the past 6 years.

However, to say that I was okay with losing with losing my job depended on which day you caught me. I’ve been on a pretty interesting emotional roller coaster since the merger was announced. It’s safe to say that I’ve been through all the phases of grief at least 5 times and not in any real particular order. I always came back to “what’s next for me?” In some ways this could be the best way to move forward with the divorce. And then, there’s the inevitable (& frequent) “WTF am I gonna do now?” I think out loud a lot, but have to be careful who I do that around, cuz if they don’t know how I deal, I could inadvertantly burn a lot of bridges. Not good. The stress of all of it felt like a brick sitting on my chest, but it was manageable so I didn’t worry about it much.

Until this week. We were told a rep from corp HR was coming cuz those who were losing their jobs had to be notified within 30 days of the close of the merger. Yesterday morning, I woke up and the brick had morphed into a 2-ton boulder on my chest. It was all I could do to get ready and actually come to work. I didn’t really need to worry, though. My meeting was in the afternoon & I was ready to get it over with when my time came. They confirmed that my layoff date is 2/28/10 (still somewhat tentative) and that I will get a severance, which will be paid out in bi-weekly installments (the only thing I wasn’t expecting). I got the feeling that the people in the meeting thought I would have some sort of breakdown. Hello? You’re not really telling me anything I didn’t already know. Besides, have you WORKED with the Main Sales Floor? They DRIVE you to want to quit drink excessively. My brain liver needs a break. Anyway, I walked out of that meeting with more options than I thought I had going in. I now know that I don’t have to hurry to find a job. I’ve got time to check out ALL my options. I’m doing a lot of thinking outside of the box on this one, which is probably what I’m doing if you catch me muttering to myself.

Life goes on and as long as I stop finding gray eyebrow hairs, it will all be good.

I’m doing it. I’m really doing it this time. I’m going back to college to get my degree. I think.

I took my English and Math placement tests today so I can register for the fall semester. I really thought I would struggle with the English part more than the Math. After all, I was in Calculus by my senior year. What a fucking crock of shit. A serious wake-up call was headed my way ….. FAST.

The test started with the English portions and I was actually giddy (short-lived unfortunately) to get them out of the way first. There were a few pre-test background questions and then the actual test started. These two sections proved to be the easiest and fastest to take.

Then came the Math portions. There was only one background question that asked how well I knew Algebra. The possible answers were:

a) I don’t know what Algebra is. (I shit you not)

b)Not at all

c)I used to, but I forgot it.

d)Fair

e)Good

Still thinking Math will be the easier test, I actually debated whether to answer d or e, but finally settled on c. Yeah…..it’s sad to say how right that answer really was. As you can see from the test scores in the pic below, each math section went a just a little further downhill than the previous section.

Can’t I just take the English portion twice & forget the Math? I didn’t even bother trying to figure out some of the advanced math questions, cuz I knew that those brain cells were permanently damaged from one of my many nites of hard partying. That & they were actual proof that NO WAY have I EVER used advanced math outside of high school (so exactly why did I take those classes?). And none of the questions offered an “I drank my way through high school & a good chunk of the next two decades, so there isn’t a snowball’s chance in Hell that I will have the answer to this question.”, so I did the only thing I could do……….guess. I’m not sure of the wisdom in requiring an answer to each question. What if? Just what if? Someone guessed at the questions and got them right? A possibly remedial student being told to register for college-level calculus. Hmm…..perhaps his luck would continue to hold out. Perhaps not.

So now I have my course placements for English and Math.

If I consider this logically, it looks like I’m about middle of the road on the math class I have to take. I don’t know this for sure (cuz I haven’t checked out the course catalog yet), but I refuse to potentially burst my bubble just yet.

And it may just be me, but I think I rocked the English test.

P.S. Logic does occasionally prevail. I just checked out the course descriptions, and I am around the middle. I can either take College Algebra, Quantitative Reasoning, Intro to Statistics, or College Algebra – Business. Apparently, I only managed to erase the last two years of high school math (Trig & Calc) with my binge drinking. Whew…..

P.S.S. I was right. I DID rock the English test. I’m supposed to take Intermediate Writing. I guess all these years of correcting Robert’s atrocious grammar and my bullshitting really paid off. I hope they don’t find out how full of shit I really am. LOL