My daughter’s birthday is tomorrow.

She is turning 11.

She goes back on track at school tomorrow. On her birthday. After two weeks off.

We haven’t planned her birthday party yet. Bcuz she was off track for the past two weeks and couldn’t give out invitations. And bcuz she wants to go to the skating rink again this year. When last time only one kid actually showed up for the party. ONE. So I’ve been asking her to think of other options so that she won’t be disappointed when one kid (or none for that matter) shows up again this year. But she just thinks that I’m the worst mom in the world for pissing on her brilliant plan.

She got a present from her father. But not from me yet. I haven’t even gone shopping for her present. I don’t even have a clue of what to look for right now.

And on top of everything, I had to get on her case today bcuz she is acting more and more like her father every day (which is not a good thing, I promise).

I’m thinking this is gonna be the best birthday EVAH.

A year’s worth of plans, emails, phone calls, and even a few boo-boos here and there finally came to fruition. To say I was excited? Yeah, doesn’t even BEGIN to cover it.

Leaving SLC
My flight was at 7 am. UGH.

I set my alarm for 4:30 am. Stacey doesn’t DO 4:30 am. That is unless it’s 4:30 am because I’ve been up all night playing Guitar Hero and singing ’80′s songs. Then it’s NO PROBLEM. I might as well have stayed up all night since I was up until after midnight finishing my homework and packing anyway. And I figured I would sleep on the plane, which kills two birds with one stone. I had no idea how wrong I was.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

By the time I actually woke up, the clock said 4:40. Yeah, you might be saying, “Wow! 10 whole minutes!” But this is me. Not a morning person. It’s hard for me to get up (I can be down right bitchy) and I need every minute to get ready with none to spare. I tore outta bed and everything became a blur from then until we left for the airport.

One GOOD thing about having a 7 am flight? There is NO ONE on the road. One BAD thing?  No breakfast and NO STARBUCKS! I was cranky, freezing my ass off (cuz I was already dressed for Miami, or cuz I was stupid – take your pick), starving, and badly in need of caffeine.

Got to the airport, checked in with Sky Cap (and was pleasantly surprised to find out that I only had to pay $15 for my bag since we had booked our trip so far in advance), and headed inside. The line for security was AWFUL. I figured I was gonna be there until I turned 50. But then a TSA Agent directed ‘seasoned’ passengers to another line. If it got me in a shorter line, HELL YEAH. I think I was through security in about 20 min. SCORE!

I flew out of SLC on American. Do you know what airline SLC is a hub for? Delta. Not American. D-E-L-T-A. Where are the majority of the vendors in SLC? In the B gates. Which are for? Delta. Where was I departing from? The A gates. Cuz I wasn’t on Delta. Do you see a pattern here? Cranky, freezing, starving, and in need of caffeine, with nothing except a damn Quiznos in sight! And it was almost time to board the plane. *sigh* I was not a happy camper.

I boarded the plane and found my seat. A window seat. I prayed to the airplane gods and thanked them for my window seat. I would be ok. Well, sorta ok. Lemme back up a bit. Those who know me really well, know that I don’t fly well. At all. I HATE to fly. I give white knucklers a bad name. Don’t believe me? Let’s take a flight together sometime. I guarantee you will never fly with me again. I once had a flight attendant watch me VERY closely on a flight from Austin to Chicago, bcuz I was about to break off the armrests. True story.

The plane was fairly empty, we were pretty close to our departure time, and I had my window seat. All was good. And then? A family with a young girl and an infant came to the back of the plane and sat…behind me. And where did they put the young girl? RIGHT BEHIND ME. What did she do the entire flight? Kicked my seat. The parents? Were comin due for a couple of bitch slaps. Seriously? One of the things I drilled into my kids over and over again was about showing others courtesy and respect. I would have done a HELL of a lot more than just saying (in a voice with no authority whatsoever), ”Don’t put your feet on the seat. It’s not nice.” I would be all, “Get your gawd damned feet down RIGHT NOW!” But that’s me.

I almost fell asleep once with my head against the side of the plane, only to have her kick the seat which shoved my head into the window frame. I nearly went over that seat and duct taped that kid’s legs above her head. But then I remembered I left my duct tape at home. I really have to learn to remember that stuff. You just never know when it will come in handy.

Needless to say I couldn’t get off the plane fast enough.

Layover in O’Hare
I totally lucked out. My flight from SLC arrived at one gate, and my flight to Miami departed from the gate right next to it. And what do I see as I get off the jetway? STARBUCKS! I think I might have drooled a little. But then my stomach chimed in with, “Um…HELLO? You haven’t given me anything in like…5 DAYS. ME FIRST!” And then my bladder jumped in to the conversation with, “Well I can make things really embarrassing for you REALLY FAST HERE.” So bladder trumped stomach, bcuz OBVIOUSLY. And then stomach stomped all over my mocha frappuccino craving, so no Starbucks for me.

My friend Michele’s layover was in DFW. Have you ever been to that airport? It’s a hub for American, so I bet you have at some point. Ok, so raise your hands if you EVER had to get off at one gate only to have your connecting flight depart from a gate on the other damn side of the terminal, or better yet, ANOTHER FREAKIN TERMINAL ALTOGETHER? Come on, GET YOUR DAMN HANDS UP! You know you have. Well, this was what she had to deal with. I was calmly waiting for my flight to Miami, while getting texts that my friend might not make her connecting flight. I was crossing fingers, legs, eyes, ANYTHING I could think of to send good vibes her way so that she would make her flight. Which she did. Cuz I haz GOOD JUJU.

Arrival in Miami
The flight from Chicago to Miami was pretty uneventful. I managed to keep my anxiety to a minimum and even chatted a bit with the nice lady sitting next to me. As soon as we landed, Michele and I started texting. Yes I KNEW that we were gonna see each other in just a few minutes, but it took FOREVER to taxi to the gate. And then I didn’t know which gate I was arriving at, so I couldn’t even tell her where to meet me. We finally found each other & set off to take care of priorities (bathroom, food, drink – & not necessarily in that order, except the bathroom. DUH.).

Got our bags, caught the shuttle to the hotel, and met up with the rest of our group. By now my stomach was rebelling. And not from lack of food. We were finally in the promised land. And my stomach wanted something with liquor in it. Now. A shot of 1800 & a Sam Adams plz thankyouverymuch!

Ok. Time for food. Holly wanted Cuban food since we’re in Miami, and we were all up for that. The hotel recommended Mojitos Cuban Restaurant in Dolphin Mall, which is (just what you’re thinking) a mall. (And I had to actually look up the name of the restaurant cuz I totally forgot it. OOPS!) The food was really good and the Sangria was AWESOME!

After dinner, Holly found us a cab that would take us to get alcohol for the ship. Two stops later, we had wine and liquor. We were SET! It was back to the hotel and an early night cuz the next day we were all gonna be sufficiently drowning our livers. No need to overdo it on the first night, right?

To be continued…

I’m posting my fav pic from my camera for each day of the trip (except the last one bcuz I didn’t take a single pic that day, go figure) For day 1, here is the group at dinner in Miami:

Mojitos in the front. Sangria in the back. Does anyone else notice how my boobs are on the table?

A week after my birthday, I had a local bash at Keys on Main to celebrate with my friends here in Utah. Can I just say I love that place? No, really. I. LOVE. THAT. PLACE.

Yes, I hear that group of you in the back going, “Wh-WHAT? What happened to the cruise? WE WANNA HEAR ABOUT THE CRUISE!” I am writing it, I promise. But there is a lot to write about (I don’t wanna leave out anything) and it will prolly be in stages. So for now, bear with me. This story’s good too.

Six of the friends I invited came (Jenn, Michelle, and Sarah aka the girls; plus Roxanne, Gina, and Juan). And some of them brought friends (Cat, Katie, Jenna, and Mark). Some I knew. Some I didn’t. Long ago, that would have freaked me out. Ask anyone that knew me in the ’80′s (and even part of the ’90′s EGAD!). I. Was. Shy. If I didn’t know you, I kept to myself, which might have come across as me being a snobby bitch.  But, I’m a much more social person than I used to be. Now, you’ll KNOW that I’m a snobby bitch cuz I’m totally open about it. Just kidding. Life’s too short for me to be a snobby bitch and I never know who I might meet on any given day.

But I digress.

Gina’s goal for the night was to get me fucked up. I dare say she managed to achieve that goal long before the night was over. Oh my. I KNOW. I am SUCH a lush! I do remember having:

• a shot of Patron
• a Blue Moon
• 3 AMF’s
• a Jager Bomb (Michelle said I better not puke after I drank that. I didn’t. Think I’m finally getting this whole drinking thing down. WOOT!)
• Sips of other drinks (I think EVERYONE had jumped on the fuck Stacey up bandwagon by then. And I had the hangover the next day to prove it.)

The girls SWEAR that I had 5 AMF’s. FIVE. They said they counted how many I actually had, but I think they’re just trying to boost the ego of my inner alcoholic. Gotta love those girls. THEY ROCK!

Note: The last time I had a shit load of AMF’s, I couldn’t walk OR talk afterward. It may have something to do with the Sake Bombs we did beforehand, though. Maybe. And after all that, I didn’t pass out and I didn’t puke. YAY ME!

The girls decided to get me in the limelight early. Kendrick told me to get my ass on stage RIGHT NOW. Well, okay then. I went up there with my blinking tiara and boa (a present from the girls that I wore pretty much all night, when it wasn’t falling off my head. No I wasn’t drinking, I swear!) Kendrick told me (along with the rest of the bar thankyouverymuch!) that I didn’t look 40 and to get on the piano. Hmmm. Lemme think this through. I’ve been drinking. I’m in heels. And I’m supposed to hump my ass on top of a piano? Yeah, I’m kinda thinkin…NO. So I commented that I really shouldn’t get up there cuz it would NOT BE PRETTY. And of course Kendrick responded that he doubted that. That’s when I KNEW he was trying to get in my pants. So we were good. And then he serenaded me with “You’ve got the 60 and I’ve got the 9.” And I’m thinking, not only is this piano player HAWT, but he’s trying to get in my pants, AND he’s a MINDREADER? Yeah, I’m screwed.

Did I ever mention that I can get a little slutty when I drink? No? Well, then just forget that I EVER MENTIONED IT.

When the piano players rotated, we got Jordan closest to us. What a character! I’ve got lots of entertaining pics of him (including one where he was showing me his ass. For the camera. On purpose. THAT’S MY KIND OF MAN! WOOT!)

Oh! I totally forgot about the cones! I GOTTA talk about the cones! The gals that I took the cruise with decorated our cabin (think BLACK) and brought these orange cones to decorate the table on my birthday. The cones were forgotten that night, cuz we were too busy remembering our make-out session with the dolphins earlier in the day. But that’s for another post. Be patient.

The cones say “40-YEAR OLD SENIOR MOMENT”. And they are hilarious. I just couldn’t let them go to waste, so they tagged along for the ride. And became props throughout the night as the group became more and more trashed (think Madonna & you might get an idea of what I mean). I really am thinking of having them bronzed. If anyone can tell me where I can get that done, I will buy you booze. Hey, I figure I’m not the only one who can be bribed. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m just THAT easy.

There were lots of pics taken that night. Most of them I totally remember taking or having taken. And then there are the others… There are pics where Juan is wearing my tiara and boa, but I have NO MEMORY OF IT HAPPENING. None. I can remember the cone ‘props’, but I can’t remember THAT? That might mean something. Which might explain A LOT.

The pics Sarah took are WAY better than mine. That’s because I am still learning my new camera was too drunk to do anything more than sing very loudly off key just plain suck at taking pics of anything but boobs and lap dances. And even then I STILL suck cuz I’m too busy ENJOYING said boobs and lap dances to take a decent picture.

*sigh*

The six of us that stayed to the end of the night are below (I’m the one in the tiara. I know you weren’t sure, so I thought I’d help you out a bit. Cuz I’m ALL about helping others.). What a fun group! If you look in the middle, you can even see the cones, which should prolly go down in history. Cuz they are just The Awesome. Or maybe they should just be burned.

Thanks everyone! I had the most amazing time. We need to do this again VERY soon.

Tomorrow works for me.

Ladies (& Craig LOL),

Where do I begin?

I don’t even know how let all of you know just how much I appreciate that you shared my birthday with me. I was so touched. I imagine you could tell, but I still want to tell you myself how much it meant to me. Holly was so right when she said the tears on Saturday were tears of joy. And gratitude. And awe. And whatever hell else I can think of to convey how special it was to do something so fun on my birthday and to have such great people there with me to share it.

Angela
Hun, you did SO awesome! It was an amazing birthday cruise! YOU ROCK LADY! It was a bummer that you had to ‘work’ a little on the trip, though. Can’t wait to call you when I’m ready to book my trip to Atlantis! Thank you so much for the necklace and earrings also. I love them! And I still think you totally should have gone to that party! There. I said it.

Craig
It was such a pleasure meeting you on this trip. You have such a great sense of humor! The tabasco water was so funny! But, I hope we crazy drunk women didn’t freak you out too badly!

Holly
I will NEVER look at packing the same way again! ROFLMAO You never fail to crack me up and I love that. And I love how you tell it like it is. You chewed my ass out, but I needed it (and I do need it every once in a while – gotta get rid of it somehow!). And I knew that it was out of genuine concern and caring. Thank you. If I move to San Diego, you got my back, right? LOL

Suzette
It was so wonderful meeting you on our Cabo cruise and I am SO glad you came on this one too! And now I can tag you in the pics on FB so that everyone else can see your awesomeness! Cuz you are totally AWESOME! If I get out to San Diego, can I get a reference to your stylist? PLZ????

And I totally didn’t say it enough on the ship, so HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY YOU SEXY BITCH!

Michele
When I brought up the idea of doing something together for my birthday, I was over-the-moon ecstatic when you said you were in. Robert had to yank my ass down off the ceiling I was so excited! I didn’t even know then what an impact this trip would have on me regarding our friendship. We connected in a way that we haven’t in a REALLY long time. I don’t think I can ever explain how much that meant to me, even though I knew you wanted to throttle me a couple of times. That’s just how we roll.

I loveloveLOVE the necklace and earrings! And I love you so much! Remember ‘the circle’? Yeah, you ain’t NEVER GETTING OUT THERE. So don’t even try.

And btw, just when I when I was about to stab the asshat sitting next to me on the flight home that decided he needed his seat space AND MINE, Don’t Talk To Strangers came on my iPod, which made me smile and get a little teary. So THANK YOU for keeping me outta jail. The asshat should thank you too, cuz you totally saved his life.

Love,
Stacey

NO WAIT!

THAT’S NOT MY NAME!

Love,
Trina

Inside out?

Upside down?

Japanese? (I don’t really think so, think so, think so, think so.)

Actually…I’m turning 40. 40. The big four-oh. Ugh.

My mom used to have a refrigerator magnet that said:

Of course, at the time, I was neither 40 nor pregnant. I thought the magnet was silly and told my mother as much. She just laughed and said that she agreed with the sentiment. Fine mom, whatEVER!

Well, 40 is quickly approaching, and I have been pregnant a time or two. I no longer think that my mother’s magnet was silly, but I haven’t quite figured out whether or not I agree with the statement.

Until recently, my age has never bothered me. I’ve been lucky enough to not look my age (and THANKYOUVERYMUCH to whomever had a hand in that!). And I haven’t really exeperienced any real mid-life crisis feelings, unless you count the fact that I’ve poked more holes in my head (like I need more of those, right?). No boy toys, no sports cars, etc. Maybe that happens after I turn 40? Time will have to tell on that.

The only times I have even been slightly weirded out about my age is when I think of how I have an 19-year old son who is in college. College. Oh my GAWD I’m old! It also doesn’t really help that I’m in college now too (can you say potential paradox?).

Over a year ago, I decided that I had no intention of spending my 40th birthday in Utah. No. Way. In. Hell. I was gonna do something fun and something REALLY BIG. And I knew that I wanted to share it with one of my dearest friends. I didn’t even have any idea of what to do then, but she said she was totally up for it. So I put my thinking cap on. I heard the gears turning up there and smelled smoke a couple of times but got no real result. Well…..CRAP!

Then I remembered how much fun I had on a cruise to Cabo I took in 2007 with my friend & an amazing group of gals. And I thought THAT’S WHAT WE SHOULD DO! We always talked of taking another cruise somewhere. And is there a more perfect reason than to commiserate celebrate with someone who is depressed about getting over the hill super excited about being 40 and SEXY!

So in less than two months, we are off on a cruise to the Bahamas! WOOT! I cannot tell you how excited I am to be spending my 40th birthday doing something really big, just like I planned. And with such great women. I know it will be a birthday to remember…..in a good way.

I missed the birthdays for my sister’s kids this year. All. Of. Them. The fact that I can’t even remember if I did anything last year for their birthdays is irrelevant. Most of last year I was in a drunken haze. So this year, I set up reminders on Birthday Alarm to help me with my alcohol-induced amnesia. Yeah, well…I think I need to upgrade to the package where they send you a messenger that repeatedly pokes you with a special event cattle prod until you actually DO something to acknowledge the event. To them, not you. It’s all about THEM, remember?

I’m the fucking world’s worst aunt.

So here I am, almost a week AFTER the last of their birthdays, and I am just now getting their cards done. I started with my neice’s card. I figure that at 12, she is much more likely to get my humor than the other two (but I toned it down even for her – no need to traumatize her any more than is standard for the near teenage years). So here is how I try to somehow redeem myself:

Yep I know *exactly* how late I am with this. I do. Many days lately, I am a slacker. Auntie Stacey is a slacker! LOL Even though I am a slacker, I promise you I was thinking of you on your birthday. Were your ears burnin’? I telepathically sent you lots of love, so if you all of a sudden felt warmth and surrounded by a big invisible hug, that was me. We hope you had a great birthday! You’ve grown so fast and I can’t forget holding you when you were a baby. Ok I’ll stop embarrassing you now! Just know we love you! Happy Belated Birthday!

I hope she likes it and forgives me for being such a slacker. Maybe next year will be better. Depends on how much I drink, I guess.