I’m not really sure how it came about, but this morning I started thinking about nicknames I have had over the years. And I have actually had quite a few. Most of them came about during (or shortly after) high school, which could totally mean something. Maybe. Anyway, I thought I’d share some of them with you.

Happy Cat – A (guy) friend of mine started calling me this out of the blue one day. I found out he started it bcuz he thought I was happy. All. The. Time. And that was when the commercials for Happy Cat cat food were on the air. So, there you have it. I got named after cat food. And it stuck. My graduation mug has my name as HC Stacey. True story.

J.B.T. – Decisions. Decisions. Do I tell you what it stands for? Or not? I can start off by telling you a GUY gave me this one. You’ll totally understand in a minute. And one day he just started saying, “Hey J.B.T.!” But he refused to tell me what it meant. He wanted me to guess. I never could figure it out on my own, though. So a friend who had been let in on the ‘joke’ told me that the first part was a type of food. No help there dood. He then went on to tell me, “Jelly…Bean…”, and I tried to punch him. Which did me no good cuz he was on the wrestling team, and well, you know. Then I made the mistake of telling someone else about it (another guy) and he never let me forget it. But that’s ok, cuz his nickname was Hot Rocks due to a little Ben Gay ‘incident’ at band camp one year (I didn’t do it!), so payback’s a bitch.

Did you get it yet? Lemme help ya. Jelly Bean Tits. Yeah, high school guys are SO mature. *eyeroll*

Weenie – Tanya gave me this one. We met at band camp the summer before my senior year. (Are you sensing a trend yet? Ya should.) And I cannot for the life of me remember why she gave this to me. But she still calls me by it. Tanya? I’m getting old! Can you remind me? Again?

Phone Sex Girl – I JUST remembered this one as I was writing this post. No, it doesn’t mean what you THINK it means. Perverts. A friend decided that my voice was perfect for phone sex. When I was 18. But then he got called a ‘girl’ when a group of us got caught by the cops hanging out at Ladd’s Marina, so I totally think we’re even now.

Puddy Cat – The husband gave me this one. And I hated it. So it wasn’t just sent to the nickname cemetery. It was sent to the nickname crematorium, NEVER to be heard from again.

Utah Hostage – Tanya’s responsible for this one too, although it isn’t really a nickname, per se. But…I do actually know how this one came about. YAY ME! I’ve been in Utah for the past 7 years, but it was only supposed to be a temporary move. Thus the birth of the Utah Hostage. It IS a little anti-climactic, isn’t it? I know, you were thinking it would be something sexual, weren’t you? WEREN’T YOU???

The funniest/most embarrassing nickname that I ever received, though, is really what this post is about.

I was a band geek in high school. I might have mentioned it. And I loved being in band. Our band was awesome. TOTALLY awesome. Hand on the Bible, right hand raised, “I solemly swear to…” awesome. No joke. Our band director was a little nazi-ish, but the ends totally justified the means. Sometimes. Sometimes it just caused us to let off a little steam.

Letting off steam often times involved practical jokes. We were notorious for them. Let’s put it this way, you were taking your life (and at times your face) in your own hands if you fell asleep on the bus to a band review. Especially the guys. I put pink lipstick on our teddy bear of a tuba player, who came after me when he found out that I did it. Another guy ended up with a complete makeover, including WATERPROOF mascara (not my doing I SWEAR!). Remember the Ben Gay incident I mentioned before? All I’m gonna say is: Ben Gay + underwear = Hot Rocks. Nuff said. Yeah, nothing was safe in our group. NOTHING.

One night, another band member talked me into writing on her boyfriend’s windshield with lipstick. Yeah…I know…twist my arm, right? While we were in the middle of it, we were caught by his friend (yet another band member) and ratted out. We couldn’t let him get away with that, so what did we do? Put soap in his trombone mouthpiece. I know! We were merciless! Unfortunately, we were ratted out AGAIN. WTH? Can’t we catch a break?

Now, mind you, I was not the mastermind for either of these pranks. I was just along for the ride. The fact that I was all, “Yeah! Let’s DO IT!” does not in any way imply MY guilt.

We had after-school marching band practice the next day. I headed to the locker room to get my flute. As I came out, I noticed some of the guys grouped around the piano, but didn’t think anything of it. I SO should have known something was up. I went over to the other side of the band room to get ready. I opened my flute case. It didn’t look right. There was something YELLOW in there. This can’t be MY case. And in a split second, it clicked. Someone put a condom on my flute!!!!! I immediately slammed the case shut and ran out of the band room, half laughing (cuz it really was fucking funny as hell!) and half crying. I don’t even remember if I took my case with me or not.  I know those assholes were still in the band room rolling on the floor laughing cuz they got me. And they did. They got me good.

I seriously considered going home. Right then. The after-school practices were required as part of the class grade, but I didn’t care. I was ready to just say, “Screw you guys. I’m going home.” (The guys from South Park totally stole this from me and I have yet to be paid for it. Assholes.) A friend came out, though, and calmed me down. I went back inside, got ready, and headed out to the field for practice.

But they weren’t through with me yet. Not by a long shot. Out on the field, I got the rest of it. I got my new nickname.

You ready for it?…..

Rubbermaid

No, I am NOT kidding.

And it stuck. Like duct tape stuck. For 3 MONTHS!

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So, now here is where I put it out there to you. What funny/weird/hated/embarrassing/awesome nicknames have you been given? Can you beat Rubbermaid? Can you come close? I desperately need someone to commiserate laugh with right now until I start drinking again and forget all about this.